This is What it is Like

I wake up and check my email on the off chance that someone was working really, really late or really, really early and sent us an email in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning that China has confirmed we can adopt this child and sent us our LOA (letter of acceptance).

No email, so I creep my way downstairs to sip some coffee and read my Bible. In those quiet minutes a mixture of emotions flood me.

I can wait and trust in the Lord. His timing is perfect.

But, I want the LOA today.

It will come when it is supposed to.

But, if it is today... I usually spend a good chunk of time calculating possible scenarios. If the LOA came today, then our i800 can be sent tomorrow. Those are taking two weeks on average to be returned. Then, we can fill out the DS-260. That is taking a week on average to be returned. Article 5 drop off and pick up is running two weeks. Then, we wait for travel approval, which could take two weeks. If we got our LOA today, we could travel...

And, then I pray some more.

By now, the kids are usually up, so I move on with our day. Around 9 am I start to get antsy, knowing our agency is open. I check my email. Just in case.

We do our school work. I start the laundry. I fix lunch, and though I try to put my phone away when we're at the table, I keep it handy, just in case.

I check my email again.

I start to wonder if something has gone wrong. Has China closed down adoptions? Have they realized how perfect this little guy is and decided to hang on to him? I check the Facebook group for waiting families to see if anyone else has received LOA today.

We read stories. We build a city with Lincoln Logs and Legos. I wonder if we'll have to put the Legos up when our little guy gets here. Has he ever played with blocks? Does he know how to build a tower? A home? I snuggle my little ones extra close. I hold on a little tighter. I am so grateful for them, even in my longing for our fourth.

The phone rings, and I jump. It's some solicitor calling to let me know I am prequalified for a business loan. I decide to check my email one more time.

The kids and I make dinner together and my heart sinks as I realize the agency's office is closed. It's nighttime in China. There will be no LOA today. My mind races back to the calculations I did earlier. If we got our LOA tomorrow, when would we travel. I try to stay focused on dinner, but I have a hard time. I wonder what our little guy ate today. Is he sleeping peacefully? What will he think of our dinners?

We eat. I bathe the kids while Rustain does the dishes. We squeeze onto the couch to read stories. I think about what it will be like when there is another little body beside us. Will he want to sit on my lap? What stories will he like to read over and over and over? Please God, I pray, let him not love Dinosoccer. I am not really serious. I will love him even if he loves the Dino sport books as much as my boys.

I kiss three sweet little heads good night. I tuck them in. Except the youngest. He hates covers, so I just give him a kiss and rub his sweet little back.

I check my email once more. Just in case.

Rustain listens as I share all my irrational worries about China closing adoptions. A domestic family being found for our guy. China saying we aren't good enough parents for this precious boy. Something. My sweet, patient husband reassures me that none of those things are actually going to happen. Although, he admits, the thought has crossed my mind that one of the nannies may want to adopt him. He is so loved. And we are grateful for that. But we are so ready to be the ones to love him. So we wait...